What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

It’s a challenging question. When I was a little girl my mom was dying. She knew she had a very short time to instruct me in the ways I should go. She told me not to have sex before I was married. She told me that when I got married, I should stay married for the rest of my life. Then one day she looked me in the eyes and said,

“Alison, you can do anything you want to do in life. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that there is something you cannot do.”

I looked at my mother lying there in her hospital bed. She was thin, her skin hung loosely on her bones. Her head was bald and she could no longer walk. But her spirit, her spirit was alive!

I had watched my mother suffer under the burden of breast cancer for as long as I could remember. The chemotherapy treatments had caused her to vomit until there was nothing left but green bile in the pit of her stomach. And then she would lay on our couch dry heaving and gagging until she drifted off to sleep.

She wrestled with big questions  like, “Why me?” and “How could a good God allow this to happen?”

I was nine at the time and the youngest of three kids. I was sheltered from a lot, but so much of it could not be hidden.  The last week was the worst. The doctors had not been able to take my mom’s pain away. She slept for days and the doctors said she might not wake up. She was restless and would moan in her sleep.

One night my Mom started lifting her hands straight up in the air.   She was reaching up towards the ceiling.  She kept doing it for quite a while. My Mom’s friend Mary and my sister were in the room. Peace came over her face. After awhile she laid her arms back down on the bed.

In the morning my Mom told Mary,

” I was there.”

Mary asked where my Mom was, and my Mom said,

“I saw Jesus.”

I glanced around the hospital room not really looking at anything.  I was trying to wrap my mind around everything I had heard. Mom had confirmed what my sister had said. Mom was going to be with Jesus in heaven. I asked my mom,

“If I wanted to fly, could I?”

My mother drew me close and breathed,

” Yes, yes, yes! Alison! If you want to fly bad enough, you will figure out a way!”

That was one of the last conversations I had with my mom before she died.

When I was seventeen, I graduated from High School and set out to achieve my dreams.  The first thing that I wanted was a family. I had spent seven years cooped up in a children’s home and that was not right.

When I discovered that I was pregnant I was so excited! My boyfriend on the other hand did not share my enthusiasm. My friends started asking me questions about how I was going to support this child.

Was I prepared to be a single mom? Where was I going to live? Who would take care of the baby when I went to school or work?

Fear got the best of me and I had an abortion. I didn’t know it at the time but women who have gone through an abortion often get pregnant again not long after. So the cycle continued and I had a second abortion later that same year.

For the first time since my mom died I doubted.

I went on to have five more kids who are all thriving beautifully today. But I suffered two divorces, financial disaster which caused me to lose my house and deep suicidal depression.

Like my mother, I started taking some of my big questions to God. I was angry and I wanted answers. I had seen too much injustice and I shook my fist at heaven declaring,

“You are God! You could have stopped this! My life is a mess and I can’t fix it! You are God, you fix it!”

Up to that point I had always believed in Jesus but I had never fully surrendered my life to him. It was a turning point for me. That was sixteen years ago and since that time God has worked many miracles in my life. He has provided for me in unfathomable ways.

A few years ago I went to my old neighborhood. As I was driving down the street I saw a house that I had driven past every Sunday on the way to church as a little girl. The house has five dormer windows at the top. Every time I passed the house I would count the windows, one, two, three, four, five.  I want five kids, one for each one of those windows.

As I sat there looking at the house I was stunned. I had forgotten that I had wanted five kids from the time I was a little girl.

“Lord, I praise you Father. After all I did you still blessed me with five children. Thank you!”

I will never forget that day. I was reminded that with God, anything is possible!

I still have fears and the voices of doubt still raise their ugly heads but I have learned to settle myself. I spend time with God, I ask him what He thinks. I tell him my fears and my dreams. He talks to me with his word and gives me peace. He picks me up when I stumble. I love Him.

The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. It also says that God is love.

What are your dreams? What do you want to do with your life? Do you know this Jesus I have spoken of? He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother? He rescued me from the depths of despair and he will do it for you too!

What would you do if you were not afraid? What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? Do not abort your mission!