When I was a young girl, I don’t remember celebrating Mother’s Day.  I suspect we went out for a meal with my Mom and Grandparents as we often did on Sundays.  After my Mom died a profound sadness settle in my heart.  The grief was a heaviness  I carried in my chest. It made life difficult, especially around holidays like Mother’s Day.

Each year as the holiday approached I noticed all of the people who had Moms. My heart yearned for Motherly love.  I also noticed the Grandmas and longed for mine.

When my oldest daughter was born, I found a lot of healing regarding the Mother’s Day holiday.  Instead of always thinking about the loss, I was able to focus on new life.  I was young and life was an adventure.  I lived it up and loved every minute of it.

The grief resurfaced years later when I was going through my first divorce.  Everything seemed difficult during that season, especially holidays.  I once again longed for my Mother which I didn’t have and during my divorce I also started a new level of grief.  I mourned that my father had never celebrated my Mother.

My parents divorced when I was a baby.  My Mom had left my Dad because he was an explosive alcoholic.  I’m told she left in the dead of night, in fear for our lives.   It was the stress of that divorce that my mom pinned as the reason she believed she developed breast cancer.  The divorce is also what ended up being a wake up call for my father and started him down the road to sobriety.

My Mom was one of the kindest people I have ever known.  Knowing that she only had a limited amount of time before she died, she intentionally poured love into us.  I remember lots of hugs and kisses and words of affirmation.  I never lived with my Father growing up, but I did go and visit him.  I cannot recall him ever having anything kind or nice to say about my Mom.

In 2015 our family vacationed in Myrtle Beach with my in-laws. We were there for Mother’s Day but I spent that day writing this post because my family didn’t want to celebrate.

Later that week I rode a bicycle to a local store and bought party supplies and food.  I recall paying for everything with two visa gift cards that I had saved from donating my blood every other month for several years.

My kids and I made Happy Mother’s Day and Happy Anniversary posters because it was also my in-laws anniversary. We blew up balloons with a helium tank and strung streamers.  Then I stayed up all night cooking food. I asked my mother-in-law and father-in-law as well as my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their kids to stop at our condo.  When everyone got there we celebrated and then we went down to the beach and took pictures with our whole family.

I have often struggled with feeling unloved. I cannot control how other people treat me, but I can control how I respond.  I love my family very much! On Mother’s Day this year I made a calculated decision to stay home from church. I opted to take care of myself. I have had a devastating month. There are things going on I am not ready to share. If you are alive today perhaps be thankful that your mother gave you life.

If you are a mother and you weren’t celebrated this Mother’s Day, I am sorry. Truly my heart goes out to you.  The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and he saves those who are crushed in spirit. Jesus heals broken hearts. If you know me, then stop by and grab a gift out of my little library. It’s filled with mugs for moms. Take a Mom Fuel mug for yourself or for someone you know who needs a little love. Sometimes the main event at the circus is that the people who should love you aren’t doing their job. Batten down the hatches and carry on. If you are a mom or if you have a mom, I celebrate you!