At 5am I heard the short quick beeps of my watch alarm, signaling that it was time to get up and start my day. Half awake, I slowly rolled over, not wanting to get out of bed and face the day.

A hope hovered over me for a moment that maybe the previous four days had just been a nightmare.  But my throbbing elbow told me otherwise.

I squinted and strained my tired eyes, focusing to see how bad it looked. The swelling had gone down quite a bit and a colorful bruise was rising to the surface.

It felt worse than it looked. The slightest touch caused me to wince in pain. What concerned me though was how it ached and throbbed deep inside. I wondered again if I should have had my doctor X-ray it, but I hadn’t even gone to the doctor.

My mind raced back to the night of the incident and the anxiety pushed me from my bed.  I didn’t want my mind to go back to Friday night. If only it hadn’t happened. Why had God allowed my husband to come against me like that? 

My thoughts reeled. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it all.

My husband and I had our share of problems but nothing unmanageable. As I tried to sort the incident out in my head, I concluded that I had been wrong to yell at him.

Even the children could see that I shouldn’t have been yelling. Resentment had been building up inside me for quite some time. I tried to keep it buried, but for some reason that night it surfaced like a geyser in Yellowstone National Park.  

It’s hard to recall exactly what happened.  I do remember waving my finger in his face. “You can’t treat me like this!” 

It all happened so fast.  One moment I was inside arguing with my husband and the next he was charging me like a football player and slamming me to the floor.  I picked myself up and ran outside into the midnight snowstorm.  Dazed and confused, I walked in circles, tears streaming down my face. My bare feet left a trail of where I’d wandered through the snow. 

I shook my head and let out a big huff in an effort to bring myself back to reality. Reliving what happened last Friday was only getting me worked up, it wasn’t going to help me today. Today I needed to hear from God. I needed next steps instead of  feeling paralyzed  from my out of control thinking.  I pulled my journal out of my bag and began pouring out my complaints to God.  

 Some stories take a long time to incubate.  There are lessons to be learned and healing that needs to take place before a story can be shared. It’s been many years since that day.

I always thought that marriage was for better or for worse.  I read in the Bible that God hates divorce and that’s what I would tell myself while I was trying to bear up under abuse.  I didn’t want to disappoint God.  But if I’m honest I also used that as an excuse to stay.  It took me a very long time to come out of denial and recognize the ugly truth.  

The purpose of marriage is to display the love of Christ for his church.  God hates divorce because when a husband divorces his wife, he does violence to the one he is supposed to love.  In my case I was experiencing violence in the marriage and the Lord showed me that I needed to walk away.  But to walk away I had to acknowledge the death of my marriage and the death of my dream of being married.  It takes courage to come into reality and face the dragon.

All of this happened when I was a mother of young children; now I’m a grandmother.  Through a series of miracles and a strong support system the Lord worked a plot twist.  Just when I thought I was leaving,  He changed the narrative.  But I’ve never forgotten the lesson.  Similar to when the Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, the Lord asked me to lay my marriage on the altar.

A wife is a gift from God, not a doormat.  Jesus leaves the ninety nine to go back for the one and he also cares deeply about abuse victims. God expects us to draw boundaries. He expects us to say no.

“No, you can’t yell at me and if you continue, I will leave the room.”

“No, I’m not going to ride in the car with you if you can’t control your temper.”  

“No, I’m not going to let you mistreat me.”

It took me too long to have the epiphany, ‘You mean I can say “no” to abuse?’

The purpose of marriage is to display the love of Christ for His church.   Something that helped me tremendously was the idea of fault. Abuse is never the victim’s fault.  The truth is that if my husband wasn’t going to get serious about saving the marriage, then I wanted a divorce.  If he wasn’t willing, then he was the one who destroyed the marriage.  

Recently I was pouring my heart out to God and I asked, “Why is this season so hard?”

”Some battles have to be fought more than once.”  The Lord spoke to my heart.  

It’s not what I wanted to hear, but it was truth.  Some battles need to be fought more than once, and I know I can confidently trust the Lord to take care of me. He is able to provide. He is able to heal my broken heart. God is able to do far more abundantly than I could ever ask for or imagine.  

In the Bible stories of God’s faithfulness are told as a way to bring encouragement into the present moment.  The Lord delivered me from a destructive marriage once, and I will continue to look to Jesus to deliver me from every trial.  

If you are in a destructive marriage or even if you aren’t sure, I encourage you to check out Called to Peace Ministries

or the National Domestic Violence Hotline.  Life is hard, but you don’t have to go through it alone.

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Psalm 112:7

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.Psalm 62:8

My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.  Psalm 25:15

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