HELP!!!

I’m actually not even sure how to write this post. If I could sum it up in one word it would be “HELP!”

God has been bringing me back to places of trauma to heal me. A few years ago a friend of mine showed me an article by Davey Blackburn called Run Towards the Roar. Davey’s pregnant wife Amanda was brutally murdered by some burglars. After reading the article I felt the Lord speaking to me about dealing with some of my biggest fears so I could reconcile them and be healed once and for all. That led me to the book Through the Eyes of a Lion by Levi Lusko. Levi Lusko’s daughter died five days before Christmas and his book showed me how facing the pain of my past could release healing and hope. Since that time I have been walking through fields of grief with the Lord and he has been rewiring my brain and getting me unstuck.

Recently my kids and I took a one day trip to the Field of Dreams movie site in Iowa. The Lord has been asking me to dream again lately. It’s hard to dream about anything when it feels like you are in an endless cycle of trauma. But I know that the Lord’s hand is not cut short. I’ve seen Him turn things on a dime. He could do it! I’m believing the Lord for full healing of my past traumas and for a full abundant life with my family.

We stopped at The Field of Dreams Museums

I sat down at this desk with Henrietta and wrote out my dream.

“I Want to finish the book God put on my heart and get it published. I also want to buy a farm where people can come to heal from trauma and learn about Jesus Christ. He saved my life!”

I tucked my dream into the wishing wall.

A long long time ago the Lord brought something up for review and it wasn’t to punish me. I always wanted to have 5 children when I grew up. But that dream was folded into a war. I didn’t even know I was in a war back then. I knew life brought terrible blows but I didn’t understand that so many of them were attacks from the enemy of my soul.

When my youngest son was one year old I wanted another baby but my husband didn’t. I prayed God would either change my heart and help me be satisfied with the kids I had, or change my husband’s heart to make him want more children. It was my heart God changed.

The Lord told me that I would walk a grieving path for the children I had aborted. He told me He wanted to heal me and that He had planted dreams in my heart that He wanted to make come true.

To get perspective let’s look backwards. At 17 years old I was released into the world. I had graduated from high school. I had already been sexually active for four years. I didn’t know how to cook, balance a check book, or manage most of the responsibilites that come with being an adult. I wasn’t even old enough to sign a lease on an apartment.

I was love starved in the worst kind of way. When my mother died I was cut off from my other family members. To this day I don’t really have a relationship with my siblings, nor any of my aunts, uncles or cousins. I have tried, truly I have.

At the age of 17 my dream was for a family and the only way I knew how to get that was to have a baby. Even though my Mom had told me not to have sex before I was married, I didn’t honor her instructions.

Now, when we first moved to the town we currently live in I looked up the chicken laws because I really wanted a chicken and to my disappointment chickens are not allowed. In the height of the pandemic I felt incredibly angry that I couldn’t just go to my back yard to collect some eggs. I was angry that my food was being controlled by people telling me I needed to mask up to buy groceries.

During the pandemic I bought ducks for one of my kids birthdays. I knew we weren’t supposed to have ducks where we live and I did it anyway. Birthdays are for celebrating and with the lock down it looked like we were headed for another no fun birthday.

I’ve lived in this town for 19 years. When I moved here I was healthy, cocky and full of pride. Speaking of pride, I would say that for me it came right before the fall. In the height of my rebellion, before I fully gave my life to Christ, I marched in the pride parade. I danced at the gay clubs on Thursday nights and I was not ashamed to embrace that community.

I live where I live because I haven’t had a choice to go somewhere else. Long ago I heard someone from Safe Horizons drop a truth bomb!

You can’t ask for help when people are looking the other way!

You need 3 things to come forward with a lot of your damage!

Distance Emotionally
Distance Financially
Distance Physically

I don’t believe in self help! Healing comes from the outside. It’s not that I don’t believe in working the steps of a plan, I do. But somehow I haven’t been able to get the deliverance I need. I need people to help me, I am stuck!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

On July 3rd I was experiencing an awful pain in my side. Because of the Fourth of July being the next day I had an incredibly difficult time getting into a doctor. The pain was so intense that I probably should have gone to the hospital but I was afraid to go there. Fortunately, I was able to get into a doctor but he was only able to relieve my pain temporarily.

By Thursday the pain in my side was flaring up so bad I ended up in my tiny bedroom crammed full of male paramedics. I found myself rattling off details of my testimony that have left me largely afraid of men, first responders and doctors.

“Are they going to make me wear a mask at the hospital?” I asked.

They explained to me that I might see people wearing masks because they chose to and asked me if I was okay with that. I told them that I can handle people choosing to wear masks but I definitely have a problem when someone comes at me saying, “You have to wear a mask!”

It’s all about domination and control!

Since first responders and doctors scare me, those are the people God orchestrated for me to encounter.

I gave my testimony on the way to the hospital.

Showing up for someone in a crises can be a bonding experience. So when my husband showed up at the hospital it was very healing for our marriage.

All day long I’ve been hearing the Lord say, “Ask for help.”

I’m getting ready for the next chapter of my life. My husband says he is preparing to do construction on our home soon. While we do desperately need the work done, I don’t want to live here during the construction and I told him that. It’s not easy to live in a house that’s under construction.

I had a moving company come and give me an estimate to store our stuff for two months. The man asked where we were going and I told him I don’t know. I know God told me to get ready and to get an estimate. I told the man that I don’t know if we are moving or doing construction or both. I have the estimate. I’ve packed a fare amount but need more moving boxes. This week, yes right before Christmas, I packed most of my kitchen.

On Wednesday Our “Basement Watchdog” alerted me that our backup sump pump was activated and that The main pump should be checked for failure. The pump was making a loud noise and my husband told me to unplug it. On Friday I was working on this post and our backup sump pump was gushing water out the top. That was traumatic! We have had a lot of experience with floods in the past. In fact that is how I ended up going into premature labor with one of my daughters and she ended up in the NICU.

In terms of my dreams. I finished the first draft my book which I shared in an earlier blog post called Processing Pain with God. I would like to buy a new van and an airstream trailer so I can travel around to give my testimony and tell people about Jesus. On my someday list I would still like to buy a farm where people can come and heal from trauma. I’m doing my best to hold the vision and trust the process. Our whole family would like to live in on a farm someday.

My 17 year old daughter Alissa has a Big God dream in her heart to have an animal rescue and sanctuary where people help animals and the animals help people. In many ways we have the same dream.

The featured photo at the top of this post is credited to our very talented daughter Alissa Strutz. It is called “Looking Out.”

When she was still in a stroller I started having visions of lion paintings and drawings. At the time I was searching for someone with artistic talent to showcase what God was showing me. Little did I know God already had her in my life. I read a book called Lioness Arising, by Lisa Bevere. God has used Lisa Bevere to show me that women can have a voice and make an impact even in this male dominated culture. “In Lioness Arising, Lisa offers the life and biblical image of the lioness as a fierce and tender model for women. You will be challenged to discover fresh passion, prowess, and purpose.” Messenger International

Alissa is the same age I was when I was released into the world. She just got her driver’s license and when she finishes out her senior year she will be taking steps in the direction of her kingdom calling to help rescue animals and people.

Alissa volunteering to take care of puppies at Second City Canine Rescue

Alissa with Mama Maggie and her eight puppies. We fostered them for six weeks.

Mama Maggie was rescued from Mississippi. Wright-Way rescue drove her and her eight puppies up here to the Chicagoland area. That’s when they called me and asked if I was willing to foster a mother and her eight unweaned puppies. Maggie was nothing but skin and bones when she came to us. Her puppies were like little potatoes. Their eyes weren’t opened and they weren’t walking. We were told that in Mississippi there are a lot of dogs running around and getting pregnant.

Maggie was not house trained and had diarrhea for several weeks. We moved our furniture out of the family room made a whelping box and the whole room was transformed into a rescue arena for Maggie and her babies.

This is Mama Maggie nursing her eight puppies!

Alissa lived in our basement taking care of Mama Maggie and her eight puppies while she drew another picture for the Prince of Peace Art Contest. The theme was supposed to be about your life story. “Comforting Angels.” It was about six weeks she was down there cleaning up after all nine dogs and sketching her picture.

After Maggie’s puppies were old enough to be adopted we kept Maggie in our home for as long as possible. She had severe separation anxiety after her puppies left and was pretty much only happy when she was sitting on Alissa’s lap.

Comforting Angels by Alissa Strutz “From an early age God has used horses to comfort me and bring me joy. My love of horses soon developed into a passion to help animals help people. Art is a gift God has given me but animal therapy and rescue is what he has called me to. My story started with two horses named Danny Boy and Rio and it is continuing with many other animals that God has brought into my life.”

Alissa won first place on both the Lion drawing and the horse drawing!

We eventually had to take Maggie back to the shelter because someone in our household couldn’t handle the fact that Maggie barked incessantly whenever Alissa left the house without her (which was almost never). We were told that Maggie got adopted but then was returned. Alissa went back to the shelter where we put a plea up on facebook to help her find her forever home.

Above is Alissa with Mama Maggie. Below in bold is the plea we put out on social media for Maggie.

“We stopped at Wright-Way Rescue today and saw Maggie. They have an adoption event going on and her fees are waived both today and tomorrow.

We fostered Maggie and her puppies in March and April of this year. Maggie’s puppies have all been adopted but Maggie is still waiting for her forever family. Thank goodness they have a “NO MOM LEFT BEHIND” program but even so it broke our heart’s to see she is still there.

Maggie is an exceptionally sweet dog and will be a great companion. She is very gentle, loves to snuggle on the couch, yet she has a lot of energy and would be suited well to someone with a big yard or who loves to hike.

She was doing well with her training when we had her. She is smart, friendly and I know there is someone out there that is a match for her. Is it you?

If you are willing to share this post I would appreciate it! Animals and the comfort they bring have been such a God send for our family! Please join us in helping Maggie find her new family!”

On September 9, 2016 I wrote a post called Do Not Abort Your Mission.

Below is an excerpt from that post.

“What are your dreams? What do you want to do with your life? Do you know this Jesus I have spoken of? He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother? He rescued me from the depths of despair and he will do it for you too!

What would you do if you were not afraid? What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? Do not abort your mission!”

That was 34 years to the day after my Mom died. Little did I know I was writing that post to myself. We all have dreams God placed in our hearts. Some of them are so big that the Lord carries them on through the generations. Well, I guess if I wasn’t afraid and if I could not fail I would attempt to…

Face my trauma and embrace the painful process of healing.
I would write a book about all of the lessons God has taught me on my journey with him so far.
I would preach the gospel not just with words but as a living testimony with the way I live my life in the sight of God and people.
I would homeschool my kids not because I think I’m the best teacher in the world, but because God charged me to teach them.
I would write and speak for God, traveling wherever he told me to go.
I would buy a farm where others could come to heal from trauma.

But honestly, I AM afraid! Lol! That’s the funny part. Apparently, it is still possible to step out of your comfort zone. It’s been outside of my comfort zone where I have embraced and discovered growth and healing I never knew were possible. God is so good!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I need help! My whole family needs help. When I started hearing the Lord speak to me this week about asking for help, I honestly felt a bit discouraged. Not only did I feel discouraged but I felt angry, the word exasperated comes to mind.

I have asked for help. Last year God sent me and the kids to:

Georgia for the Run for God 5k
The Run for God 10k in Emerson Georgia
The Cannonball Half Marathon in North Carolina with Run for God
Georgia for the CAFO (Christian Alliance for Orphans) Conference
Then this January we went to Alabama so I could do the Big Beach Marathon with Run for God.

I asked for help before all of those trips and I did get some help but it was minimal. I didn’t mind spending my own money because obeying God is always the way to go. But it didn’t happen for free. There were a lot of lessons that God taught me and I’ve been recording it all so other people can see that our God is a merciful and healing God.

Nevertheless even though I know God is trustworthy. I do sometimes struggle to stay the course. My faith has to be fresh for each day and the Lord has pushed me to my limit. Quite honestly, I never knew that healing could hurt so bad. I feel broken. I want my breakthrough and just when I think it’s coming, I’m not quite there.

My youngest daughter Hannah and I are slated to do the Mississippi River Marathon on February 3, 2024. I have connections to Mississippi that I’m just learning about. for example, i discovered a medical report of my mom’s from a trip she made to a doctor in Mississippi the year before she died.

When my oldest daughter Melissa was in kindergarten she decided to write Mississippi into her name on every sheet of paper that came home. She will always be Melissa Mississippi to me.

Earlier I shared Mama Maggie and her 8 puppies were from Mississippi. And the beat goes on.

If I’m honest, I’m concerned about my ability to finish this marathon within the allotted time. I don’t like snakes and there are a lot of them in Mississippi.

Trust and obey, that’s what I’m working on. I desperately wanted to do my Christmas post today. If it’s God’s perfect timing it will come later tonight. We shall see but it’s not likely. Please keep me and my family in your prayers.

Lastly, Will you help me? Will you help our family? That is what I would like you to be thinking about. I don’t want to have to live here in winter while my husband does construction. We homeschool, it’s winter here in Chicago. It’s not like we are going to go outside to escape the dust, dirt and noise. I don’t see it as a good environment for our family. Although we desperately need the work on the house, this isn’t something I wanted in terms of the timing.

I also want to point out that I’m still driving a 15 year old van with almost 200,000 miles on it. The financial need is huge.

God told me to ask for help and I’m going to loop back up to the truth bomb I shared earlier.