This is a blog post I started in 2025. I have returned to it many times. I feel like I’m trying to clean up after an F-5 tornado.  Recently, I felt encouraged to share this after reading some advice from a Compel Pro writing group I am in.  Bloggers were encouraged to take a blog post that we would normally over edit and just surrender it to the Lord and see what He would do with it.  This is my imperfect offering, and today I surrender this blog post, “Crunch One Kickoff with Kevin S.

One day in February  while I was walking into the health club I had a simple thought.  “What shirt am I wearing under this coat? It feels so soft.” To my horror I realized that I was not wearing a shirt under my coat.  I was with a friend of mine and we walked into the health club laughing uncontrollably like two grade school girls. Comic relief is great medicine!

I’ve been working my way through a 12 week program at Crunch Fitness for about nine months now. My heart’s cry to the Lord has been, “Help!”

Lord God,

I need Help! I’m not okay! I’m confused. What is going on? Why am I all alone? I feel so broken. Am I doing something wrong? Am I doing something right? I need to know.

Love, Alison

Walking through grief, feeling lost and confused, alone and broken isn’t a path I wanted to be on during this season and I didn’t see it coming.  One of my writing coaches says that we know when we are ready to share our story when we are less eager to share the details and more interested in the transferable wisdom that could help someone else.  Going into this I thought I was going to tell the story about how I overcame abuse and how Jesus Christ transformed my heart.  I was and am eager to share lessons I’ve learned on my family life journey with God so far.  At the same time, I’ve wrestled with hope in this season more than I’d like to admit.

On the one hand I know despair and on the other I know hope. I’m learning new levels of despair and hope that I didn’t know existed.

“I will deliver you,” says the Lord.

”Can it be today God? I’m hurting.”

I went sky diving on my 39th birthday. On the way down I gave my testimony to the skydive instructor who was strapped to my back.  Once my feet were firmly planted on the ground I was asked, “What was your favorite part?”

”Landing!” I exclaimed.

”Would you do it again?” He said.

”I’d trust God again!” I told him.

Trusting God is the best medicine in the world but it has to be fresh everyday.  I can encourage myself by remembering how God showed up in the past but If I want to go skydiving again I am going to need a fresh dose of faith to take the dive.

When I started back at the health club in January the guy behind the check in counter was reading the book “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.  Our bodies keep track of our trauma which potentially explains some of why I’ve been hobbling around lately.

Last year I called my church for emergency counseling.  I was given a crash course in how first responders don’t always get it right.  If I’m calling for emergency counseling that means I need help at that moment.  The pastors at that church are all male and they don’t counsel females.  I didn’t have money to pay for counseling and there was a process that took weeks to go through to get me the help I needed.

First responders in the church don’t always get it right, and sometimes the police fail too. Abusive people don’t always abuse. Sometimes they put on a nice face, use manners and lie.

Calling for help isn’t a guarantee you’ll get help, sometimes it produces backlash abuse and teaches the victim to be afraid of the people who are supposed to be safe.  Pastors and police should be safe.  But sometimes, instead of getting the rescue you need the situation backfires, and you are left in the hands of your abuser who then retaliates against you with more severe abuse.

I know, I’ve called in the strong arm of the law only to watch them believe the lies of the person who hurt me.  I now know there will be people who do know the details and they won’t help.  They will stand by, watch you suffer, and do nothing.  Instead of talking to you, they will talk about you. Your support system should not be gossiping about you.

People will disappear, make excuses and avoid you like the plague.   There will be some  people who will help but even champions of the faith can only go so far.

There are narrow roads in life where you end up seemingly alone.  When God’s people do nothing, when they don’t help, when no one comes, and there is nothing but silence you will find the transformative power of the living God.

Sometimes your words won’t work with  people.  They will only listen to guns, money, and lawyers, and if you don’t have those on your side you will suffer.  Guns, money and lawyers are tools for good or evil, all three can be used the wrong way.

When I called the police for help it was because my words weren’t working with my husband. He was intimidating me, and trying to pick a fight.  Among other things, he took a lot of my books, threw them into a heavy duty laundry bag, and put them in the laundry room.  Then he put his laundry on the book shelves where the books had been.   When I questioned why he moved my books, it turned into an argument.

Words should be a good enough boundary. I should be able to say, “I don’t want you yelling at me, and if you continue then I’m going to leave the room.”

That should be enough to make another person recognize there is a line they shouldn’t cross.  But my words didn’t work. Leaving the room didn’t work either.  He pursued me and I couldn’t get away from the yelling.

It felt like he was trying to push me out of my own home. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to fight either.  I called the police for help.  But when the police got there my husband changed his tune.  Suddenly, he had self control and manners.

The police spoke to us separately, then instead of asking my husband to leave, they removed our guns from the house, and just told us to stay away from each other.  Not long after the police were gone my husband grabbed a big heavy duty canvas laundry bag, loaded it with more of my books, threw it in the bathtub, and turned on the shower.

One of my daughters told me what he was doing, and wanted to know if she should do something about it.  She was distressed. I felt distressed.

It only took this one time for me to go back to that place of horror from my first marriage where I learned the police were not safe. In my first marriage my husband worked for the police department and he displayed a similar two faced behavior.  Behind closed doors he lost his temper and raged at me, but if the doorbell rang he would gather all of his self control and talk politely.

After the police left me with my husband I knew they  weren’t going to help me. An officer returned later that night to give us some paperwork on the guns and I asked the officer how exactly I was supposed to respond to my husband destroying my things.

The officer reprimanded my husband, and told him I wasn’t going to want to stay married to him if he continued down that path.  He told my husband that the kids weren’t going to want to spend holidays with him in the future.  He reminded us both that everything here belongs to both of us. Then the police left us alone again.

I had to decide to stay or go but I needed to draw a boundary. Since I feel that my husband has been trying to push me out I decided to stay, and called a friend. People are great boundaries and it served me well that night when my friend and her husband showed up.

The officers took the guns because our FOID (firearm owners identification) cards were expired.  When my new FOID card came I went to the police station to pick up my gun.  But the officer rolled a cart out with all of the guns and ammunition. I tried to explain that I only wanted my gun. But the officer insisted that we were married and everything we had belonged to both of us.  Then he added that he thought my husband would probably appreciate that he didn’t have an extra errand to run. So I took the guns home.  But when I got home I discovered my husband had changed the combination to the gun safe so I couldn’t get in. I didn’t want to be irresponsible with the guns and kids and I didn’t want to hand the guns back to my husband. I prayed about it and felt the Lord led me to get a gun safe that could be installed in the wall between the studs. I went to Menards and asked about their gun safes. I didn’t see one that could be installed in the wall and when I asked if they had a safe like that the employee said, “I don’t know. But you know who could help you? Kevin could help you.” Then he got on his walkie talkie and called a man named Kevin over to help me.

I was checking out at the grocery store and I saw the cashier’s name tag said, “Kevelyn.” “That’s an unusual name. I’ve never seen that name before.” I told her. She replied, “My mom gave me the name Kevelyn. It’s a combination of Kevin and Evelyn.”

Recently, I participated in a Run-Walk-Bike-A-Thon for a non-profit called The Home of The Sparrow.  They strive to empower women and children on their journey from homelessness to self-sufficiency.  I downloaded an app to track my bike rides.  After about a week of riding and tracking my rides I was checking my email one day and I noticed an email from Robin & Kevin who were the Mapmy Cofounders of the app.  My first husband stalked me. I mean he knew where I was at times when he should not have. He was constantly questioning me about why I was here or there. I spent years looking over my shoulder and quite frankly in terror for my life.  My first ex-husband was so toxic that he threatened to break into my house, murder me and take the kids.  That kind of craziness scarred my soul.  I have an answering machine tape from way back in the day where he actually left messages like that.  I was creeped out with (Robin & “Kevin”) being the cofounders of a tracking app and I stopped using it.  I just don’t want to be stalked by another husband.

When I first started blogging there was a movie that came out called Mom’s Night Out.  It’s about a mommy blogger named Alison.  Her husband’s good friend was Kevin and in the movie he was addicted to video games. All three of my husbands have been addicted to video games.

During the pandemic my neighbors across the street raised some runner ducks. One day I walked over to see them.  They were so cute! I asked my neighbor what the ducks names were and she said, “Kevin and Bob.” The same exact names of my husband and father-in-law.

Then there is the Minions  movie. I enjoyed it so much! The main character’s are Kevin, Bob and Stuart! The Lord gave me a blow up Christmas decoration for my yard with the minions Kevin and Bob sledding.

Home Alone has long been one of my favorite movies. The main character is a young boy named Kevin who get’s left home alone when his family goes on vacation. His whole family is on the plane and his mom keeps thinking she forgot something. Suddenly it hits her and she screams “KEVIN!”  Then you see her sitting there traumatized with the realization that she left her son behind.

In the movie The Shift, “Can we weather a storm together Kevin?” Is a line spoken by a character named Molly. The Shift is a modern day retelling of the book of Job and Kevin is one of the main characters.

When I first met my husband I was shown a short movie called Handicapped Hunters and yes Kevin is in that movie!

Am I just looking for the name Kevin to pop up into my life and world? Not really, I would like to get away from it but I can’t seem to. To outsiders some of this might not make sense but each of these examples is tied into a very detailed intricate story the Lord is writing on my life.

At the health club last year I went to do their Crunch one kickoff, and Kevin S. was the trainer at Crunch Fitness (the manager is Matt)

While I was volunteering at Harvest Bible Chapel for the kids summer Bible camp, I was told to go find a person in an orange shirt to ask a question. I called out to a man in the hallway wearing an orange shirt. When he turned towards me I saw that his name was Mr. Kevin.  “Your name is Kevin. That’s my husband’s name.” I said.

He looked at the name on my shirt and said, “Your name is Alison. That’s my wife’s name.”

I cannot seem to get away from the names. They jump out at me and follow me everywhere. It’s not just Kevin either. The names of my children are showing up. There is Melissa M. who I met recently at my bank. My daughter is also Melissa M. The woman at the bank is named after her grandmother.  She’s Jewish so  her grandmother’s name isn’t actually Melissa because apparently Jews go by the first letter in the name.

I have run into numerous people named Melissa & Matthew (my two oldest children). Could these be coincidences? Sure, but I doubt it.  The Lord is very specific.

Since I’m bringing up names, I think it’s really important to take a look at my husband Kevin’s name.  A few years ago I was searching for a Christmas present for him. I really wanted a nice white terry cloth robe but what the Lord handed me was two terry cloth robes from the Sybaris. I didn’t find those robes to be a good gift for him so I decided to shop at the personalization mall. I found a very soft black bathrobe and had his name “KEVIN” embroidered onto the front. To my dismay my husband handed it back to me and said he didn’t like the way it fit.

The neat thing about the personalization mall is that you can make it personal.  I have been doing my best to tell my story surrounded by a lot of people who don’t want me to get personal.  We all have an appointment with God and he is going to get personal.  We are all going to have to give an account for what we’ve done while we were in our bodies.

Recently I felt the Holy Spirit impress upon my heart that a lot of the trials our family has been going through lately are not actually about our family.  I felt confused by this and I questioned the Lord. “Are you sure God? Because this feels like it’s about our family?”

Maybe in the future when you see me put the name “Kevin” into the story you could stop and think about what it would be like if God was showcasing your name.  We all want life to be personal when we are bragging about something worthy of praise but when it comes to sin, people tend to want to keep it in the dark.

God is faithful and he cares about abuse victims. I don’t understand why God allows people to hurt other people. I know he gives people free will and I also know it only goes so far. Every knee will bow and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Every one of us will have to give an account.

I need help. I asked my family for help and I didn’t get it.  My mother in law doesn’t like to donate to the Good Will store. According to her they are not approved and similarly I have not been approved for help. God loves a cheerful giver, no one should be forced or coerced into giving.  But if you know the right thing to do and you do not do it, then for you that is sin. God is the judge.

Backlash abuse can look like taking away the victims choices such as restricting finances.  Life can be miserable without food and transportation. It can look like destroying personal property. Sometimes abuse is passive aggressive but the impact is massively aggressive.

We are made for connection but for victims who are trapped in the cycle of abuse sometimes the only connection the victim has is with the actual abuser. If you are being abused then connection to safe people could literally be life saving.  Your rescue team should you choose to reach for help will be made up of imperfect people and some of them will likely hurt you in the process.

In my desperation last year I called the K-Love Prayer Line.  Hannah answered the phone. A few minutes later she brought Pastor Kevin on the line.  Pastor Kevin was concerned and prayed with me. Afterwards he suggested that I assert my independence and get a job.  He also referred me to Called to Peace Ministries.

My kids were at youth group during the time that I called the K-Love Prayer Line.  Upon returning home I opened the garage door to find that my husband Kevin had drilled through the lock on my office door. He carried the doors upstairs and chained them in the garage.

As I have been taking an assessment of my life I have been faced with figuring out exactly what I am responsible for. I’m meant to go and bear fruit for the kingdom. My family and my marriage are very important to me. I have paid an extremely high price in the hopes that my husband and I could reconcile the problems that we’ve been facing in our marriage.  When I finished the Big Beach marathon I cut my braid off.  This was in obedience to a prompting from the Holy Spirit.  I later learned that in the Bible the Jews cut their hair off when a vow is completed to symbolize the fulfillment of the vow.

Reconciliation is the goal. Divorce does not change that. God’s people are called to reconcile. We are all trying to get around the same banquet table in heaven.

My accountant has an ecard framed that says, “I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do my taxes it’s really come in handy this parallelogram season.” Upon returning home from my accountants office I came across some high school graduation cards. Low and behold a graduation cap is a parallelogram! The card from my friends  Jenny & Dave said they wouldn’t miss it even if they had to walk.

In this life we are all going somewhere.  The Lord takes us from glory to glory.  Back then I graduated from high school.  Now I’m trying to graduate from here to somewhere. I have no idea where I’m going.  That’s the thing that makes this season so hard. I don’t know where I’m going. But the Lord is so faithful. He is teaching me to trust in the most unexpected ways.

I typed part of this blog post from the bedside of my friend while she was on hospice.

One day she grabbed a hold of the hospital bed rail and started to try to pull herself up.

”Where are you going? Do you need something?” I asked her

”I don’t know what I’m doing!” She cried.

”It’s okay, Jesus will show you.” I told her.

The next morning I was having my own struggle and I realized that Jesus would help me just like He was helping her. Later that day I found myself at her bedside. Tears flowing I choked out, “I’m learning so much from you!”

The Lord takes us from glory to glory and she has graduated into glory.  She ran her race.  God’s will for her life was completed.

Last week I texted my mentor Mrs. H. And told her that I need God to send  me at least one person to walk through this season with me.  She doesn’t want phone calls only text messages.  She simply told me that she turned 90 years old on her last birthday and that she needs to spend her time taking care of herself. She said she already gave me the wisdom she had for me a long time ago.

All I could say was that we aren’t meant to do life alone, not at nine years old, not at fifty two years old and not at ninety years old.

One day she called me to tell me that I needed to reach out to my brother and sister. “They don’t talk to me. It doesn’t matter how much I reach out.”  I told her.  Then she told me not to call her.

“I didn’t call you. You called me. I like it when you call me.” I told her

”I know you do, but don’t call me.” She said, then she told me that she’s never been this age before.

When I hung up the phone I looked at my husband and said, “She has no idea how long she will live. She could live until she’s a hundred years old.”

None of us know when we wake up how the day will unfold. Every moment of every day we are given an opportunity to trust the Lord.

This whole name thing started years ago when I was at whits end in my marriage.  After a heartfelt prayer to the Lord, I felt that He prompted me to read the book “How People Grow” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  When I opened it there was a story about a woman named Alison, and for years I tried to do every single thing she did.  Why? Because Alison was the example of success. Her marriage was saved, and I wanted that for me and Kevin.  I have painfully learned that my approach of trying to emulate Alison in the book “How People Grow” didn’t work.

God has been teaching me many lessons about names.  He’s been teaching me about exposure and reminding me how awful it feels.  Now these lessons are going to be passed onto you the reader.  You will learn that the Lord is kind and loving.  He is slow to anger, because he doesn’t want anyone to perish.  We can bring our dirty laundry to God and he will not condemn us for it.  Jesus came to save us! He’s a savior!

When all of the Kevins started to show up in my life, I didn’t know it was going to become a whole thing.  My daughter took horse back riding lessons and the horses name was Kevin.  All of the horses had their own stall, except Kevin. Kevin shared a stall with Daisy. I didn’t like that.

Then my Kevin comes upstairs one night and tells me he found a new Netflix show called “Kevin Can Go F Himself” the main characters were Alison & Kevin.

The Kevin list is long.

• Kevin & Sonny: The cats at the Cat House Lounge
• We Gotta Talk about Kevin (movie)
• Kevin from Chesterton was a guest on US99 radio talk show. He called in and talked to the radio host Melissa, on her birthday.  I happened to be in Chesterton at the time.
• Kevin & Lola are a bonded pair of cockatiels
• A woman in my writing group is writing a story about her dog, and Kevin is the mailman in the book.
• Kevin is the husband of a German-American Christ follower living in Southern Germany.
• Kevin is a veteran who called into the Moody radio morning show.

On and on it goes.  This past week I was sitting in the emergency room with my son because he broke his arm.  The orthopedic surgeon walked into the room and I looked at his jacket and said, “Your name is Kevin. That’s my husband’s name.”  To which he responded, “Yes, my name is Kevin, and I just came here with another doctor named Kevin, and we have an intern named Kevin.  There are a lot of Kevins.

The Lord God is a God who saves. He is a redeemer if only we will let him.  I have been trying to show up to a new level.  Anyone who has ever leveled up knows it’s not easy.  I’m trying to treat my writing as a job.  Last year I decided to stop working for my husband’s company, and since that time he told me that if I wanted gas or grocery money then I would need to get it myself.  The impact of this last year just about knocked me out.  I’ve learned that it’s very difficult for me to write under these conditions.  The weight of what I’m carrying is too much.  I would appreciate any donations you are able to make to support me and my family.